So, yesterday was the first day of Autism Acceptance Week.

I wasn’t going to post anything on Facebook (except for maybe a meme or two) until something happened yesterday which has prompted me to do otherwise. So, buckle up, it’s a long one today…

You may or may not know, but two of our five are autistic — one with a diagnosis and another on the pathway to diagnosis.  I know some may think why “slap a label on the poor child when she’s getting on alright without it” etc etc… but appearances can be deceptive, and all may not be as it seems under the surface. (Look up masking.  It’s a thing.)

Autism doesn’t always present like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, or a maths genius, or someone who won’t make eye contact or play with their peers… It can be the girl who struggles with maths but loves English (and reading), can win any staring contest with the eye contact she makes, and will tell everyone up to and including the postman that she got a Gruffalo for Christmas. In November. 11 months later.

It comes with social communication difficulties. Feeling on the back foot, not being able to read social cues to know when to stop talking, or when the other person is not interested in the topic as you infodump about whatever your latest special interest is (because it makes you happy, less anxious and makes you feel more secure in the world to think and talk about it).

It comes with sensory issues…  whether sensory seeking or sensory avoidant (or both at different times).  Repetitive behaviours, having to eat certain foods in certain ways (even the most neurotypical among us can understand the need to eat all the chocolate off a KitKat or similar, before eating the inside!), executive function issues, being unable to organise your way out of a sodden paper bag, etc.

There are so many ways that autism presents, especially in girls, that get missed — or, well, they look like they’re coping just fine, so why rock the boat?!

But anyway.

Big School.  Teenage years.  Puberty.  Things that strike fear into the hearts of any parent, whether to a neurotypical or neurodiverse child…  Add something like ASD into the mix… Our girl struggled a LOT from September to December, to settle into life in secondary school — struggling with organisation, new timetable, multiple subjects in multiple classrooms, all the homework… It’s a lot to take in.

She started off the first term of the school year with 3 friends in her class. A little while ago, one of those girls told her that she didn’t want to be friends anymore, that they didn’t have anything in common, and, well, that was that really. What she didn’t say explicitly but became apparent was the other two girls were HER friends, so now they’re a happy little group of three rather than four.

The impact of this wasn’t too bad, because there was another girl in another class who became friends with her, and they got on very well indeed!  All was well in her little world.  Then, over the last few days, this girl has started saying things like:

“Well, if you changed X, Y, and Z about yourself, then perhaps people would like you and want to be your friend…”
“You have to stop doing that if you ever want to fit in and have friends.”
“That’s really weird — nobody does that.”
“The way you walk downstairs is weird.”
“The way you eat your sausage rolls is weird.”
“Why are you being so WEIRD?”

Then, when autism was mentioned…
“Well, you don’t LOOK autistic…” (red rag to a bull for me)
“My cousin is autistic and HE doesn’t do that…”
“But you don’t wear ear defenders…”
“Well, if you ARE autistic, you’re only a LITTLE bit autistic…”

etc etc.

I don’t even know where to start with all of that, other than to say that I’m simply gutted for our girl — she is beautiful, clever, gentle, kind, simply AWESOME, and she does not need to change for anyone.

Frankly, if the world around her is finding it difficult to know how to handle her, then it is the world that needs to adapt.  The world is set up to accommodate the neurotypical among us, and so many with ASD, ADHD and so on are being trampled over, told they need to change who they are, and left behind.  Excuse the language, but it’s just bullsh*t.

In her recent parent teacher meetings, one of her teachers said to me that interesting people follow interesting people… and that she’s an interesting person. She’ll be okay, she’ll find her tribe, but I just wish we could make it a bit easier for her on the way, and that the whole #bekind thing could filter down to pre-teen and teenage girls.